The Three Most Important Things Parents Should Know about Teaching Kids to Swim

Forget about strokes for a while

There's a quick update on my in-person Art of Swimming teaching at the bottom of this post.

It’s mid-May and I already can’t stop thinking about swimming. For many parents, myself included, summer is when we try to help our children learn to swim. I’ve taught many children and adults who received bad or traumatizing instruction so I thought I’d share the three most important lessons to help your child swim and love the water (these don’t always go together).

1. It’s Not about the Stroke (at First)

Learning how to swim front crawl, breaststroke, or doggy paddle, for that matter, comes after being comfortable in the water. I’ve seen countless parents and teachers try to push a scared kid through learning the front crawl. Meanwhile, the child kicks fruitlessly or thrashes through the water, exhausted after five or 6 feet. Why isn’t she learning this?

Sometimes parents conclude, “They must not like swimming.” It’s possible, but what they probably don’t like is being asked to learn a complex skill like front crawl while having the sensation they are drowning. 

How would you have learned to drive if you were worried the car would sink?

As parents, we can become so fixated on our child’s stroke development that we fail to recognize their panic. When a child is frightened, they instinctively tense many muscles which makes coordinated movement near impossible. Furthermore, their fear of drowning causes them to single-mindedly focus on holding onto either the swim barbell or you with all of their might, rather than explore buoyancy.

I would say that 90% of the difficulties I encounter with children have more to do with the state of their mind than with coordination or stroke technique. Eventually, technique is important, but most often this “pre-swimming” phase is rushed through.

To help your child learn about the water and feel more comfortable, walk them around so they feel supported by you. Gently bob up and down with them. Find the edge of their comfort zone – respect it – and encourage them, in the spirit of play, to stretch it bit by bit. Have them “talk to the fish” by blowing bubbles. Then, see if they want to listen to the fish by turning their head and lowering their ear into the water. (Hint: prepare your best fish noises for this moment!)

A relaxed child is ready to learn. Now that you’ve helped them to relax, it’s time to practice one of the most essential parts of swimming – floating. It’s often given insufficient attention but I guarantee that if the child has a panicked or exhausting float, they will spend all their energy on avoiding sinking rather than swimming.

2. Sinking Is More Important Than Floating

When you drop an ice cube into a glass of water, it sinks and then resurfaces. Many children and adults never properly learn how to float because it is too frightening to experience that momentary sinking before one resurfaces again on top of the water.

Any relaxed body takes a moment or two to bob down and then be supported back up to the surface. Once a person lets go of extra tension, they can finally experience their natural buoyancy.

Try this with your child the next time you’re in the pool. With their feet off the bottom, have them hold onto your hands and press down as hard as they can. Then, ask them to be as light on your hands as possible, like a butterfly resting on a leaf. Even very young students realize how much easier it is to be in the water when one is not tight and pressing down. The higher they are out of the water, the less they will experience their buoyancy.

You can imagine how swimming might seem impossible to your child if they are used to pushing themselves high out of the water off an external object. 

I use flotation devices as an aid for learning to gradually surrender one’s weight to the water.

I recommend playing games where the student is challenged to be light like a butterfly on the pool noodle or your hands, which means giving more of their weight to the water.

The paradox of swimming is that the child won’t feel the support of the water until they let go of trying to hang onto the surface. Since letting go can feel like drowning, your job as a parent is to let the child know that they are safe and can trust you. By the way, it’s helpful to explain (and demonstrate) that floating begins with a little dip downward and it doesn't mean anything is wrong.

Think of this work as progression by degrees rather than pass/fail. If your child can give a little bit more weight to the water, that’s progress. They will start to get the message that, yes, I can float.

3. Allow for Happy Accidents

With extreme discretion, I also rely on “happy accidents.” For example, when a child refuses to let water touch their face, I will sometimes play “whirlpool” with them and spin them around (if they trust me). If I see they are having fun, I might let water gently lap against their cheeks and chin. If I had asked them permission to splash water on their face, they would’ve said, “Never!” But in the context of the game, in which they are having fun and I am not pushing them too hard, they emerge feeling more confident that they can handle water on their face.

This is a very fine line to balance. I once taught three brothers who were all dunked and let go of in the pool by a teacher, and it took a whole summer to get them back to being marginally comfortable in the pool. On the other hand, as a parent, you can help kids grow their comfort zone by encouraging them to experiment and move around the pool in spontaneous ways.

Remember that as adults, we tend to think of learning as something that is done through drills and exercises. But much of my formative swim learning was through playing games in the pool. That’s where I really discovered my own buoyancy and streamlining.

So play! While a child is intently pursuing a rubber duck or chasing a sibling, they are far less likely to be vigilantly guarding their boundaries. This is where they can make gains: working towards comfort with their face in or near the waterline, or giving more weight to the water, etc..

Happy accidents should be:

• Fun – (like tag, Marco Polo, diving or reaching for treasure, races, or whale riding, where they ride on your back around the pool).

• Controlled (usually by you) so that the accident does not veer into traumatic, with the child flailing underwater until you rescue them. Trust me, it won’t feel like a couple seconds to them.

After they do something brave or new – perhaps water touches their mouth for the first time or they push off the wall without any help from you – congratulate and help them to connect that the thing they were so scared of happening not only wasn’t so bad, but actually felt pretty cool.

I know that the pandemic has complicated pool and swim access. But whether it’s in the bathtub (we did a LOT of play learning in the tub) or pool, try not to pressure them to advance. Think of them as little astronauts who have to clock lots of hours in the water before taking off.

Let me know how it goes, or share your child swimming story in the comments below. Also, feel free to post your questions.

My old home for teaching the Art of Swimming, the airy fifth floor pool at the JCC of Manhattan, has heavily reduced its capacity in response to the pandemic, so there is no swimming instruction at the moment.

I do plan on teaching at an outdoor, private pool this summer here in my town, Croton on Hudson, which is easily accessible via Metro-North. If interested, contact me and we can talk further.

I'm working on finding a permanent, indoor pool location here in Westchester (close to Metro-North), which could materialize as early as this fall.

Here's my happy place…